Most Reactivity is Coming from the Implicit Relational Template

A Dialogue with Diane from Module 4.1–Introduction to Disorganized Attachment (Disoriented/Type D)

So often in relationships – because your partner is there – you locate them. And, then, you’re probably having an argument about something that, maybe, 2% really happened but the 98% is actually coming from your history. This is the part that I want to stress in this write up: “if we can understand this and if we can come into our intimate relationships with some of this knowledge, it can really greatly reduce the confabulation and also the conflicts, and perhaps clean out the closet of what gets in the way of intimacy and connection.”

And, of course, it is happening in the therapy office, because if somebody starts to trust you more, and they are trusting and they are kind of relaxing and maybe… research says that it takes about 12 months to 18 months for your Attachment system to get it that somebody is reliable, that they are your “go to” person, that they are safe enough – that’s one of the reasons, among the many reasons why we have the honeymoon period when we are dating, right? 

Attachment history kicks in when Permanency is recognized: 1 to 2 years in a relationship.”

Like, the chemical things in the brain…and another part of it is also that the Attachment system (history doesn’t really get triggered before 12 – 24 months when it recognizes the partner as more permanent), it doesn’t really get activated so much until it recognizes “Huh, you are living with me” or “I am seeing you regularly” …and a as a therapist, too would say: “I am seeing you regularly, I am getting more comfortable, I am getting it that you are not judging me, I am getting it that some healing is happening here, some good things are happening here.” So for some people, if they have an Attachment disruption, it might not show up for a while; then all of a sudden you are going, “Everything is going so well, why is this person acting like I am an enemy all of a sudden?” This could be part of what’s happening – nothing is ever everything – but this could be part of something for you to have your therapist and antennae up for, right?

Similarly, when you are in a relationship that’s growing over time, and that partner realizes that their attachment story probably isn’t at play quite yet–and yours might not be, either then you are probably going to find out about that somewhere between 12 months and 24 months… it starts to come into the picture more then things begin to get more complicated.

If you are interested in attending Diane’s next workshop in Vancouver in January, go here SATe/DARe Module 4 – From Wound to Wellness: Excavating Core Intactness, Power and Resiliency.